Monday, June 18, 2012

Some Tidbits

Okay, so, I'm going to write some shit on here that I usually have to explain on voice comms or whatever and which I feel could benefit from a wider audience (largely due to my narcissism, which is, omg, epicly overactive.  Seriously, I'm like a teenage girl.  It's all about me). 

Firstly, some have noticed that almost all of my ships have "Asshat" or "A$$hat" at the beginning of their names (oh no.  Now the minnies may know too.  I think they already suspected.).  This is a tongue in cheek sort of "fuck you" to a former corpmate who turned dickface and ran off with lots of our hard-earned moneys.  Yeah.  One of those.  At some point during his meltdown, he made a declaration stating that I am the biggest asshat in Imperial Outlaws.  Contrary to his original intent, I became immensely proud of this appelation, and gave myself the title "Supreme Asshat" and started naming my ships with that prefix.  It's my asshat fleet. 

Secondly, there's a rather popular story for storytime during fleets.  This is, I swear to the flying fuckin spaghetti monster or whatever, a true story.  So, without further ado (unless you want some), here's the Llama story:

I was about 15 or 16 (fuck if I can remember).  So, I had stayed the night at my friend's house, which was on a big ass farm with like, chickens and cows and shit.  Most importantly, those dudes had llamas.  Yeah, they had two of them hairy ass split lip camel-looking mofos.  So, I'm sitting at breakfast eating some fuckin frosted flakes or lucky charms or whatever the hell it was, and dude says to me, "Hey man.  Wanna go pet the llamas?"  I'm like, "Sure.  Why not?"

So, we go down to this big ass pasture with a wooden fence and all that, and there's these two big ass llamas.  One's white and one's black.  The white one's named 'kisser' and the black one was some normal shit like 'steve' or 'phillip.'  Anyway, we hop the fence and start petting them.  My friend says, "Whatever you do, don't let them get behind you."  I just sorta nodded and went back to petting the black one.  Before I knew it, I'd broken the only damn rule of llama petting. 

Suddenly, two fuckin hoofs or whatever llamas have suddenly appeared over my shoulders and I felt a sharp pain in my lower back.  Yeah.  Kisser made me his bitch, prison style.  So, I did about what you'd expect at this point.  I screamed like a little girl and ran.  Of course, in the heat of the moment, I didn't really look to see where I was running.  Instead of going the fifteen feet to the fence behind me, I took off running the 150 yards to the other side of the pasture.  I'm freaking the fuck out and this llama is gaining on me, Pepe LaPew style.  He's just frollicking and shit behind me and I'm running myself ragged as shit trying to outrun a 500 lb love machine.

Well, in my haste and fear, I wasn't watching where I was going.  I tripped and fell into a shallow ditch, and ole Kisser the love-llama comes to a screeching halt and rears back and paws at the air like horses do in the damn movies.  I think I pissed myself about this point.  Anyway, I'm not a physicist, but I could tell those damn hooves or whatever were gonna smash my brain goo out the back of my skull like mashed potatoes if I didn't do something.  So, the Indiana Jones music played in my head and I got all inspired and rolled like a boss to the side.  Fuckin hooves or whatever go smashing into the dust right next to my face and I'm totally freaking the hell out again.  I mean, eyeballs the size of dinnerware.  So, I scream again, like a girl, again.  But, the llama's had enough.  He goes running back and starts humping the other llama instead, while I run to the other fence and hyperventilate. 

That's the story.  Hope you enjoyed it.