We Divided by Zero and Broke the Interwebs

So, last night in Kamela, I got to experience my first bit of what CCP calls 'Time Dilation.'  So, TiDi came about as an answer to lag.  See, when a lot of people show up to kill each other, it's a huge load on the server.  This causes lag, and everyone gets to sit and wonder if they are already dead or not.  In TiDi, everything moves really really slow, and you get to wonder if you're about to be dead or not.  So, see, CCP's answer to lag was to give you lag with a cool name.  (lol).  Before I get angry mails telling me I'm a total nub and how TiDi is totally different from lag, allow me to reiterate the purpose of this blog: I am here to mock, parody, and generally troll.  So, please, treat this site like the Colbert Report, but with less journalistic integrity.

Anyways, the fight was quite enjoyable.  Thanks to all the people who called me primary first thing.  I was flattered and Almity was grateful (you guys primary that guy constantly).  Now, of course, it is important to point out that the Minmatar were gracious enough to let us kill three of their protei, two muninns, a guardian, and some other stuff.  Yeah, they let us.  Just like they let us take three systems.  See, they didn't want those protei, or hacs or whatever.  So, thanks Minmatar for the gift!  I always appreciate it.  For those who like to see battle reports: Kamela

Anywho, was a fun night.  I hope the minnies continue to be so generous.  Maybe they'll be nice enough to derp a few archons or something?  An officer fit Tengu would be fantastic....

Minmatar's 1337 Status

So, basically, this past week or two, light has been shed on how the Minnies have been doing so well in this war.

At first, Susan was happy to tell us it was their superior coordination and unity.  lol.  What a load of horseshit!  In perhaps the most unsurprising and completely unnewsworthy of news ever: The Minnies are shooting each other!  Wow!  What an amazing strategy.  The coordination and unity required to pull that off....wtf.  /golfclap

Further, with the removal of their Goonswarm pimps (yes, their pimps), the minmatar warzone control dropped to t2 for a few.  Damn, that must've sucked.  They've since poured enough LP into their systems since then that they regained T4, but only just barely.  That shit is hella expensive, ain't it?

Further, Susan will tell you that we currently are out there running in fleets of 80 and that somehow they suddenly are outnumbered and leeroying and such.  This is totally accurate.  She will then tell you we are the ones still whining.  While I'm sure a few are, I can assure you, those self-aggrandizing things she calls blog posts are actually full of whine.  You just have to know how to read it.

So, to recap, the minmatar have been winning because:

1) They are way more unified than us. So unified that they are in fact killing each other.

2) They had Goonswarm pimps setting them up with nice digs. 

3) They have moral superiority.  *cough cough*

Ta-da!  Well, it has to be at least one of those right? 

Ah, Patch Day

So, I haven't written in a few days.  This is because (startling revelation) I have a life outside of Eve.  Yes.  It's true.  I admit it.  See, strangely enough, five years ago, I managed to somehow get a girl to go stand in front of a bunch of people and promise to stay with me and shit.  That's right.  I convinced some chick to marry me.  And, somehow, via voodoo or mind control or amazing drugs, I have managed to keep her around for five years.  So, in celebration of this achievement, we went out for a dinner and stuff.  That explains Saturday.  Sunday, I worked myself like crazy and then got on late at night and was way too busy flying all over the place and RP-ing (b/c I do that, what of it?) to write anything. 

So, here's a recap of shit that has been going on the last 48 hours that I haven't gotten to writing about yet.

1) Plex bug: So, CCP apparently fixed it.  Don't know if it's true or not.  I've been patching for what seems like 2 decades now and am only at 78%.  I'll let you know when I find out.  What I am certain of is that we didn't capture a particular system last night because of this stupid bug.  I'm also certain that it's about fuckin time somebody got around to it.

2) Susan Black keeps writing.  I don't know why this is.  Apparently she has a readership.  This shouldn't surprise me.  National Enquirer has a readership.  Stephanie Meyer, for reasons I will never fathom, has one as well.  So, I guess I just have to accept that there must be something about her writing that people enjoy.  I only recently learned her blog is not meant to be funny.  I thought we both were writing humor columns.  Imagine my shock!

3) Twitter.  Twitter.  Twitter.  Lovin it.

4) This blog has been getting a lot of views.  However, after comparing with Almity, I've learned that apparently, if I want to get a lot of pageviews, I need to insult a community leader of some sort in a very blatant and possibly obscene way.  His Hans post and apology got a combined 800+ views.  My total views to this point is 338.  Go figure.

5) Based on the above: Die in a fire Galdornae. (Let's watch the page count swirl)

Apparently, the minnies are now shooting at each other?  This is just hilarious to me since for the past few months I've had to listen to all the minnies telling me how they are cooperating and unified and besties and blah blah blah blah BULLSHIT.  So, when I found out they had started wardeccing each other, I did the Carlton.

Then I found out that apparently there are issues between the Caldari and the Amarr.  So, I guess nobody can be friends in this game.

Anyways, that's all for now.  Keep tuned. 

Crazy Day

So, today has been a bit on the insane side.  First, there was the craziness with Almity's blog post about Hans Jagerblitzen which incited the overwhelming internet wraths of apparently everyone (actually, I guess like 5 people? I'm not sure.  It's been unclear).  Part of this is my fault.  I jokingly mentioned on vent last night that we should start calling it "Being a Hans" when someone is being a douche.  Oops.  I thought it was kind of funny.  After all the e-drama that stirred up, I think it's fuckin hilarious.  However, it's also been brought to my attention that it was the allegations of meta-gaming and vile disgusting cheating that got peeps so heated.  So, I guess it wasn't really my fault.  However, as I've stated, I'm a narcissist and I desperately need it to be about me.  So.  Yeah.  All my fault.  Anyway, you can read all that good stuff at the following links:

The one that started it (like the Lusitania): http://wtffw.blogspot.com/2012/06/stop-being-hans.html?m=1

The one that got all mad and stuff (without any bias or generalizations at all!!): http://www.gamerchick.net/2012/06/come-at-me-bro.html

The Shalee Peacemaker Response (It's Geneva!): http://sovereigntywars.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/for-the-record/

The Almity Apology (Treaty of Versailles?  Weimar Republic?): http://wtffw.blogspot.com/2012/06/apology.html?m=1

The Susan Black Acknowledgement of the Apology for No Apparent Reason (Japan involved in WW1 surrender talks??): http://www.gamerchick.net/2012/06/amarr-apologize.html

Wow.  Lotta stuff.  And it's all so damn serious and important and stuff.  BIG GRIN.

I'm actually not entirely without shame.  I mean, let's face it.  We're internet spaceship enemies, but in all truth, I don't have much against anybody in this game (except the ones who are complete douches to me for no real reason, and even then, I generally get over it pretty quickly).  So, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why everyone got all heated over this.

Okay, so, now onto the not so important news:  GOONS!! (http://www.evenews24.com/2012/06/21/goons-running-faction-war/)  Doing bad things!!!!  Cue the evil maniacal laughter and creepy music played on an old organ.

So, in a completely unexpected move totally outside of the Goons' normal operating method (yes, this was totally not anything like what they ALWAYS do), they apparently gamed the shit out of FW to make a billion gajillion trillion zillion and a half ISK, and totally kept the Minmatar at high warzone control levels for like, well, the entire time warzone control levels have existed!  Wow!  That's totally not like those decent mild-mannered null-sec gentlemen at all.  I mean, they never go out and purposefully try to mess up a chunk of the Eve populace's day whilst simultaneously netting a ridiculously sinful amount of ISK.  Not THEM!  (lol.  I can't even keep a straight face while I'm writing this).

Okay, but now for a moment of seriousness....  BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

No, but it is terrible.  I mean, it kinda is.  At the same time though, I can't really get all that upset about it.  I mean, it's a horrible abuse of the mechanics, but, it's not like Goons wrote the damn code.  I'm not sure half of them can even read to be honest.  So, yeah, I'm not terribly surprised.

Now for actual serious: It's my 5 year anniversary of being married this weekend.  Yay!

Also, I'm giving thought to possibly running for CSM next year.  Gimme feedback.  Good idea?  Bad idea?  Worst idea since like, um, that guy who attached a jet engine to his truck and crashed it into the side of a cliff?

Also, just so you know:

Gimme Mo Moneys

So, apparently, minnies can't be arsed to defensively plex for free.  Every time I check Susan Black's blog nowadays it's more and more "Gimme LP" rants.  Seriously, you have enough.

All that aside, I gotta say, keep bringing the fights.  I have lotsa love for delicious killmails.  As much as I disagree with certain elements of Inferno, I can't deny, it's breathed new life into the world of faction warfare in Eve Online.  CCP, you did well, even though you fucked it all up.  Good job, you assholes.  Seriously, thanks, damn you.

Also, for those who wondered, I still can't get my dic in a medium.  #manproblems

My Saber...Poor Saber

So, tonight, I finally got my brand new shiny Saber blooded.  I logged on to find that we had a fleet up and running and they began to fight.  So, I undocked and began to make my way toward where I figured the fleet was.  Yeah, that's right.  I hadn't even heard the location.  I just heard "Kam Gate."  So, I figured Kourmonen.  I was totally right!  Yeah.  So, I hear all these primaries getting called and shit, and I'm like, "Damn.  I ain't gonna make it."  Totally made it.  And I made it in time to get in on killing Bahamut420's armageddon (nice).  Then I managed to lock down Baha's pod and kill it (also fun, but not very blingy).  The minnies came back from this in a lol-fleet of BS's.  So, we chilled for a few and went down to Labapi to play on some d-plexes. 

This is when I learned something crazy.  I tried to enter an Amarr Outpost (a medium plex).  I was denied entry.  Yeah.  Apparently, my DIC is too big (I always suspected).  Ships that can get into Amarr Outpost include: Omen, Omen Navy Issue, SFI, Thorax, Vigilant, Ashimmu.   Ships that can't: Ragnarok, Archon, Revelation, Revenant, oh, and Saber.  Because, again, my DIC is huge.  Enormous, apparently.  You might even call it gargantuan.  My DIC is GIGANTIC!

Okay, but seriously, this is just nuts.  I can take a Cynabal in there but not a Saber???  CCP: WTF?

Oh, and Saber died to super Gila of doom flown by Galdornae.  That shit was tanked like a baws.  I only mention this because Galdoranae, much like my Saber, is a HUGE DIC.  lol.  I'm just joking, buddy.

Anywho, sign this post (comment, bitches), sorta like a petition, so that CCP can loosen up those mediums so us guys with HUGE DICs can get in.  Yeah, lay off the internet spaceship kegels, CCP.

lol.

The FW Antarctic

So, the FW zone is like the antarctic.  You have a lot of barren ass wasteland, and each type of critter has it's own purpose.

There are the penguins.  These are like the occasional neutrals rolling through in badger mkIIs and Iterons, and other squishy shit.  Often, much like penguins, which are fat oily disgusting birds, and essentially nature's bowling pins, these bastards are well dressed and shiny.  Other times, they're just like oily chickens.  Stupid carebear penguins.

Then there are the Sea Lions.  These are also fat oily bastards.  These are the minmatar.  They're fat nasty oily bastards with big nasty whiskers who like to eat penguins.  Yeah.  Oily penguins.

Then there's the polar bears...wait, no.  Those are in the arctic.  Damn.  Wait, come to think of it, the Minmatar savannah/serengeti analogy was full of similar issues too.  Horses?  Thoroughbred horses?  On the serengeti?  Really?  But, no, no polar bears.

Um, so, the Amarr...um.  We're like...um.  We're like angry whalers on PCP.  We shoot the sea lions, but sometimes we club the penguins.  And we hump polar bears.  Wait.  There aren't any polar bears.  Okay, we don't hump those.  We blow up the Killer Whales though.  Who are the killer whales?  I have no idea.  This analogy makes no sense.

The end.


This has been a parody brought to you by Haijikioten brand Cigarettes.  Now in exciting children's flavors!

Some Tidbits

Okay, so, I'm going to write some shit on here that I usually have to explain on voice comms or whatever and which I feel could benefit from a wider audience (largely due to my narcissism, which is, omg, epicly overactive.  Seriously, I'm like a teenage girl.  It's all about me). 

Firstly, some have noticed that almost all of my ships have "Asshat" or "A$$hat" at the beginning of their names (oh no.  Now the minnies may know too.  I think they already suspected.).  This is a tongue in cheek sort of "fuck you" to a former corpmate who turned dickface and ran off with lots of our hard-earned moneys.  Yeah.  One of those.  At some point during his meltdown, he made a declaration stating that I am the biggest asshat in Imperial Outlaws.  Contrary to his original intent, I became immensely proud of this appelation, and gave myself the title "Supreme Asshat" and started naming my ships with that prefix.  It's my asshat fleet. 

Secondly, there's a rather popular story for storytime during fleets.  This is, I swear to the flying fuckin spaghetti monster or whatever, a true story.  So, without further ado (unless you want some), here's the Llama story:

I was about 15 or 16 (fuck if I can remember).  So, I had stayed the night at my friend's house, which was on a big ass farm with like, chickens and cows and shit.  Most importantly, those dudes had llamas.  Yeah, they had two of them hairy ass split lip camel-looking mofos.  So, I'm sitting at breakfast eating some fuckin frosted flakes or lucky charms or whatever the hell it was, and dude says to me, "Hey man.  Wanna go pet the llamas?"  I'm like, "Sure.  Why not?"

So, we go down to this big ass pasture with a wooden fence and all that, and there's these two big ass llamas.  One's white and one's black.  The white one's named 'kisser' and the black one was some normal shit like 'steve' or 'phillip.'  Anyway, we hop the fence and start petting them.  My friend says, "Whatever you do, don't let them get behind you."  I just sorta nodded and went back to petting the black one.  Before I knew it, I'd broken the only damn rule of llama petting. 

Suddenly, two fuckin hoofs or whatever llamas have suddenly appeared over my shoulders and I felt a sharp pain in my lower back.  Yeah.  Kisser made me his bitch, prison style.  So, I did about what you'd expect at this point.  I screamed like a little girl and ran.  Of course, in the heat of the moment, I didn't really look to see where I was running.  Instead of going the fifteen feet to the fence behind me, I took off running the 150 yards to the other side of the pasture.  I'm freaking the fuck out and this llama is gaining on me, Pepe LaPew style.  He's just frollicking and shit behind me and I'm running myself ragged as shit trying to outrun a 500 lb love machine.

Well, in my haste and fear, I wasn't watching where I was going.  I tripped and fell into a shallow ditch, and ole Kisser the love-llama comes to a screeching halt and rears back and paws at the air like horses do in the damn movies.  I think I pissed myself about this point.  Anyway, I'm not a physicist, but I could tell those damn hooves or whatever were gonna smash my brain goo out the back of my skull like mashed potatoes if I didn't do something.  So, the Indiana Jones music played in my head and I got all inspired and rolled like a boss to the side.  Fuckin hooves or whatever go smashing into the dust right next to my face and I'm totally freaking the hell out again.  I mean, eyeballs the size of dinnerware.  So, I scream again, like a girl, again.  But, the llama's had enough.  He goes running back and starts humping the other llama instead, while I run to the other fence and hyperventilate. 

That's the story.  Hope you enjoyed it.

Another Day

So, I guess I'll hop on the train here and start writing OOC fw stuff.  Generally speaking, I'm not as angry as most where all these new changes are concerned.  I mean, yeah, it sucks having to hold my pee for six jumps to find a station to dock up in.  Three UTIs later, I'm learning to plan better.  Also, my HE laundry detergent got rid of the stains, thanks for asking.

Seriously, though, it's been an interesting transition.  I see a lot of new faces out there in the warzone.  Some of them are friendly.  I'm diggin fweddit, who by and large are the largest corporation in Amarr FW.  Unfortunately, the minmatar still outnumber us by about 1200 pilots, and seem to be pretty active all around.  Good for them, actually. 

However, despite some disadvantages, we've begun to take some space back, and while the minnies are happy to say they let us do so, I still feel like we're accomplishing something.  We even had warzone control T2 for a little while today.  It's gone now, but it was pretty cool to see.

So, here's the thing: Join Amarr.  Seriously, join Amarr.  We need more people.  Targets are everywhere.  I mean that.  They're fuckin everywhere.  LP is currently worthless, but it's piling up and eventually, if we get enough new pilots, we'll have LP that's worth something, and we'll have a shitload of it.  Further, come on, why join the guys that already outnumber everyone and own most of the territory.  It's way more fun to take it away from that guy.  We've got some cool people over here (we've got our share of certifiable asshats too), and we tend to have a pretty good time, all things considered. 

Anyways, that's my two ISK worth for today.  I'll give more useful shit later.  Right now I'm tired and frankly, I don't know how else to start this business off.